Al: The really great thing about the holidays is that everyone's so
happy! It makes you so--
Madame Judy: Ohhh!
Al: Oh, hi, Madame Judy. Happy...um, what holiday are you
celebrating?
Madame Judy: Oh, Al! Al! Give Madame Judy your palm! I must read
your palm!
Al: Uh, okay.
Madame Judy: Oh no!
Al: What?! What is it?
Madame Judy: Oh! I see horrible tragedy in your future. I see
devastation and pain and unspeakable suffering. Oooo! I see you being
tortured by the anguish of a thousand plagues, writhing in agony in
the middle of the desert as giant birds circle you and the sun deep
fries you into a big fat crispy critter!
Al: Really?
Madame Judy: No! April fool's!
Al: What holiday are you celebrating?
Cousin Corky: Well, I'll give you a hint: it starts with a "V."
Al: Uh, Voter Registration Day?
Cousin Corky: And I'm hoping to get some cards.
Al: Venus Flytrap Day? Vietnamese Pot-bellied Pig Day?
Cousin Corky: Or maybe some flowers.
Al: Volcano Worshippers Day?
Al: Corky, you look kind of down. Do you know what you need?
Cousin Corky: To talk about my feelings?
Al: No! A snack!
Al: What! does everyone have the holiday blues? I gotta do
something fast. I know! Hey, everybody, here's something that's
guaranteed to entertain you, a death-defying stunt from my best friend
in the whole world, Harvey the Wonder Hamster! Harvey! Hey, pal,
where are you? What's this?
(Al picks up a note and reads it.)
Al: "I'm not coming out today. Groundhogs have their very own day;
why can't hamsters? It's not fair." Signed, Harvey.
Al: I chased all my friends away because they were unhappy. Now
I'm so bummed out, I don't know what to do. Well, when the answers
to life's questions elude you, there's only one thing to do: watch
TV!
Announcer: Today on "This Old Mouth," we take an up close and
personal look at our friend, the uvula.
Ebert: All of which goes to show why I think Rabid Puppy
is the best film of this year or any year.
Siskel: That is probably the stupidest thing you have ever said. This
movie was horrible. I would rather rip my own head off than sit through
this garbage again.
Ebert: Yeah, well, that's the kind of ignorance I'd expect from a
doody-head like you.
Siskel: You talkin' to me, poopy-pants?
Ebert: Snot-face!
Siskel: Vomit-nose!
Ebert: Hooty-fish!
Siskel: Hooty-fish?
News Anchor Al: ...with a ripe cantaloupe. This just in, ping-pong
spelled backwards is gnop-gnip.
Al: What's wrong with the world when TV doesn't make you feel
better?
Hooded Avenger: Your problem is with your ears, Al. You need to
learn how to listen.
Al: I do?
Hooded Avenger: We all have feelings we need to share, Al. And when
one person shares and the other person listens, those two people get
to better friends.
Al: Y'know, that's so darn sappy it's just gotta be true!
Al: Dick Clark! What are you doing here?
Dick Clark: Well, I'm here to count down to the New Year. What
else?
Al: Well, that's great, but the show's almost over.
Dick Clark: Well, how about a big countdown to the closing
credits?
Al: Sounds good to me!
Everybody: 10! 9! 8! 7! 6! 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!
Happy Closing Credits!
